The American Dream

I have not updated this blog in quite some time.. Those were happier days.

When I was a young kid, carefree and happy, I always wanted to be older, to make my own decisions and to not have anyone to tell me what to do.. We’ve all been there… So where did I go wrong? When I was around 11, my parents were fighting through a bitter divorce, my Dad had made some decisions and my Mom had issues dealing with those decisions.. What woman wouldn’t have had an issue? You think I would have learned from all of that. I was an uncle by the time I was 12, and both my sisters had moved out, my Dad moved out, and my brother ran away. My mom suffered a debilitating neck injury at work and was bed ridden for quite a while, and I was doing very poorly in school, and I had trouble making friends. – The American dream!

Fast forward – 19 years later.. Where do I find myself at? Preparing for my own divorce, my heart aching for what my children will think of me, since of course this is all my fault. Good Father? One would think that you’d need to be a good husband in order to be a good father… Can you spell FAIL? I am 31 years old and finally wrapping my head around the fact that life is for real, and this is not a game; always asking myself why the HELL did it take me so long to figure this out? I believe in God, that is evident by my previous blog posts, yet I failed to heed the warnings. Life is precious, and when you have the ability to affect someone else’s life you should always try to have a positive impact, and yet I selfishly wrapped myself in addictions, insecurities, and a hopeless game of control...

Well, as the saying goes, “better late than never.” I will get through this; my kids will get through this, and even though it doesn’t feel like it now, something positive can be made out of all my mistakes. I find myself now finally loving who I am, who I really am.. Even though my wife doesn’t see in me what I now see in myself, my happiness in now no longer dependant on anyone else.